Saturday, July 30, 2016

Royal Flusher's Savvy Las Vegas Diet


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How can you possibly lose weight in Las Vegas (other than draining the contents of your wallet)?

Mrs. Flusher says I should lose about 40 pounds*. And I've made a good start, cleaning up my eating habits and losing 15 pounds, with a small lapse (one year and two months) after pounds 8 and 9. But I carried on. I've been good, walking Chippy almost every day. It's doing Chippy some good too, she can almost keep up now. When I started, I'd leave her little roller skates on almost the whole way, but now she only needs them for the uphill parts.


When I travel, I want to try not to undo too much of the good I've done myself... but it's Vegas! How the hell is this going to work, especially when I start the day with things like country-fried steak and eggs (any style) with gallons of Country Throw-up Gravy, mountains of greasy hashbrowns, acres of toast and jam, and about six coffees loaded up with pints of cream????

OK, I've got about 2,000 calories a day to 'spend' in order to maintain, and maybe lose a little weight.

All I have to do is figure out a plan that works in Vegas, and stick to it. I don't have to give up all the pleasures of Vegas gluttony... just sort of choose wisely. That should be easy!

And if you want to drop a few pounds in Sin City, it should be easy for you too! Just follow one of my Royal Flusher Vegas Diet plans!

Royal Flusher's Vegas Diet - Mediterranean Plan

Breakfast - 500 calories: This could be 2 eggs any style, two slices buttered toast and coffee. Or it could be 4 eggs any style, one slice plain toast, and coffee. Or it could be 8 eggs any style, hold two of the yokes, and black coffee.

Snack - 300 calories: Three Coors Light.

Lunch - 800 calories: Cheeseburger and ten carefully selected fries (any style).

Afternoon snack - 500 calories: Five shots of Jack Daniels at the Mikes' Bar in the Four Queens.

Dinner - 9 calories: One Air Fuck You Canada after dinner mint stolen from the reception desk at the Maple Leaf Lounge when they wouldn't let you in no matter how much you pleaded that you were 'important'.

Bedtime snack - 500 calories: Five Coors Light -or- three shots of Jack Daniels (any bar).

Total: 2,609 calories, expected weight loss over trip: a gain of 3 pounds.

Clearly there are some deficiencies in the Royal Flusher Las Vegas Mediterranean Plan. But don't despair! Adding some exercise could do the trick.

Royal Flusher's Vegas Diet - Malibu Plan

Breakfast - 1000 calories: Country-fried steak and eggs (any style) with Country Throw-up Gravy, hashbrowns, toast and jam, and six coffees. Eat only half the steak, and only one piece of toast.

Exercise - (-150 calories): Twenty minute brisk walk up and down Fremont or through strip casinos. Add an extra 7 calories spent for kicking Squarebob Spongepants six times in the nuts.

Snack - 300 calories: Three Coors Light.

Lunch - 900 calories: Oxtail stew, two saltine crackers in those flimsy cellophane packages that probably let bugs the size of your thumbnail in. Add 17 calories for bugs the size of your thumbnail if ingested.

Exercise - (150 calories): Twenty minute brisk walk up and down Fremont or through strip casinos or from machine to machine whilst gambling. Add an extra 13 calories spent for kicking Squarebob Spongepants eleven times in the nuts and craning your neck violently to avoid the sight of male bare-ass potbellied 'cupid'. Add another calorie for shuddering.

Afternoon snack - 500 calories: Five shots of Absolut at the Boar's Head Bar in Main Street Station.

Dinner - 39 calories: One Oreo (not deep fried at Mermaids).

Bedtime snack - 500 calories: Five Coors Light.
 
Total: 2,929 calories, expected weight loss over trip: a gain of 6 pounds.

Clearly there is something amiss here. Regroup for...

Royal Flusher's Vegas Diet - Olympic Plan

Breakfast - 1400 calories: Country-fried steak and eggs (any style) with Country Throw-up Gravy, hashbrowns, toast and jam, and six coffees. Eat everything on my plate and belch like Honey Boo Boo's Mom. On a good day.

Exercise - (-450 calories): One hour brisk walk up and down Fremont or through strip casinos. Add 25 calories for chasing one of those spray-paint art guys around and around his kiosk whilst armed with a can of Krylon Sunset Purple paint. And then kicking Squarebob Spongepants a few times in the nuts for good measure.

Snack - 300 calories: Three Coors Light.

Lunch - 1300 calories: Buffet. Two entire cheesecakes.

Exercise - -(1800 calories): One hour brisk walk up and down Fremont or through strip casinos or from machine to machine whilst gambling, then climb Stratosphere tower stairs to top.

Afternoon snack - 700 calories: Seven shots of Absolut at the Boar's Head Bar in Main Street Station.

Late afternoon snack - 0 calories: Nap.

Dinner - 1200 calories: Roast Prime Rib of Beef au jus, baked potater, sour cream. Two entire cheesecakes (any style).

Bedtime snack - 500 calories: Five Coors Light and a cigar.

Total: 3650 calories, but I'll have legs like an offensive lineman from the Stratosphere climb. Expected weight loss over trip: a gain of Shamu pounds.

And there you have it, savvy Las Vegas dieting, the Royal Flusher Way!


*Post Script. as of March 2015, I have lost the 40 pounds and kicked Squarebob 8,104 times in the nuts. Yay savvy me.

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5 comments:

  1. Way to go RF! I'm afraid I found about half of your 40 lbs. :(

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  2. I tend to follow the "food ingested in Vegas doesn't count" theory!

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  3. Hmmm, my plan was to follow the Mediterranean diet, but I got confused when reading the day's menu. PLEASE HELP!

    I need an explanation of why, for the afternoon snack I can have 5 shots of Jack Daniels for my 500 calorie input, but if I wait and have them for my bedtime snack, I only get 3 shots.

    That seems pretty unfair, since I'm more inclined to have them late at night, since this plan does not include a nap after the afternoon snack, like the Olympic Plan does.

    Does this sound like something Kodidog would worry about?

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    Replies
    1. I think the way to approach this might be to save the bedtime snack shots for four days, then have all 12 shots. The next day, you would not eat at all.

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    2. Wow, what a savvy reply! If I don't lose weight that way, I'm sure I won't care one whit!

      Delete

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